Republican Convention Agenda Released!

10:00am: Opening Ceremony: Pat Boone accompanies Lee Greenwood singing "I'm Proud to be an American" during raising of the confederate flag.

10:05am: Vote on Motion to go into Closed Session (If motion fails, Justice Antonin Scalia to announce that all media must turn off audio and video recording devices).

10:30am: Katherine Harris speaks on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"

10:45am: Trent Lott - "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"

11:00am: Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan

11:10am: Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"

11:30am: Rush Limbaugh - "Just Say No To Drugs"

11:45am: Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, American Patriot"

12:00 noon: Singing of "God Bless America" and big screen projection of "Blue Angels"
fly-over

12:04pm: Lunch Break - steak with vegetable sides of ketchup and relish, yellow cake

12:30pm: Oliver North - "Never Trade Arms with Terrorists"

1:00pm: Reps. Doolittle and DeLay speak on the GOP congressional agenda.

1:30pm: Group cheer -- Global-warming-schmobal warming!

1:35pm: GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell and Condi Rice

2:00pm: Accounting for Beginners -- "Tax Cuts are Good for Deficit Reduction"

2:30pm: Labor Secretary Elaine Chao speaks on "Economic Growth Through Job
Exportation"

3:00pm: Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"

3:30pm: Unveiling of "The Guide to Imperialism" by the Heritage Foundation

4:00pm: Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore

4:15pm: "Stomp on Poor People" Happy Hour (guided sight-seeing buses leaving for
Harlem every 10 minutes)

6:00pm: Dinner Break: Texas-Style Endangered Species Barbeque

7:00pm: John Ashcroft leads Ceremonial burning of the Bill of Rights (Note to
convention hall staff - make sure statue of Justice is fully clothed)

7:15pm: George W. Bush video tribute "Higher than a Kite: Portrait of a Fighter
Pilot"

7:30pm: Vote on Motion to put image of Ronald Reagan on one dollar bill
Keynote Speech by Dick Cheney (Exact time TBA, depending on his arrival from secret bunker)

8:00pm: "Kiss Ass" session with Christian Coalition

8:30pm: Workshop on government-corporate relations by Dick Cheney

8:45pm: Log Cabin Republicans Encounter Session -- Coming to Terms with Your Self-
Hatred

9:00pm: Assault Rifle Raffle